Painstakingly typed from the original at Happy Jihad’s House of Pancakes.
“…The Minister of Technology met the three Russian leaders today to discuss a £4 million airliner deal….none of them were indigenous to Australia, carried their young in pouches, or ate any of those yummy Eucalyptus leaves. Yum Yum. That’s the news for wombats, and now the news for deer.”
The Oshkosh Northwestern reports that deer mating season has begun, and I want to warn my readers not to cover themselves with female deer urine unless for the next month or so unless, of course, you really want some action. The advent of what is sure to be a filthy nationwide orgy will doubtlessly cause drivers in Boone County, Kentucky, which has the state’s highest rate of deer-related accidents, to be on the look out for hormonally deranged deer. Already, deer are exhibiting strange behavior. One deer found its way into a pool in Jackson, MI. It could not, however, find its way out. The fawn in Michigan was luckier than the deer in Martinsville, VA and throughout the east, who are suffering an unusual epidemic of Epizootic Hemorrhagic Disease. In Portland, the deer had the last laugh when a hunter fell off a rock bluff and died following the summary execution of an innocent, unsuspecting and probably delicious deer. The Catholic Church opposes a proposal to put Bambi on birth control.
A deer hunter who killed a farmer is scheduled to be sentenced soon. He could have expected some leniency had he not gutted the farmer and lashed him to the roof of his car. Canadian-style hilarity when a deer crashed through a window into a retirement community cafeteria. One resident is reports, and I am not making this up: “An elderly lady came walking by the laundry room and she said, ‘Oh, a deer just ran down the hall.’ I thought she was a little crackers, so I didn’t say too much.” In Sri Lanka, a man was gored to death by a deer at a temple. It was not the first goring by deer at the temple. A woman in Pennsylvania was gored during a surveying expedition. Radio New Zealand reports that stabilizing deer antler prices is difficult. Nothing else ever happens in New Zealand, at least since the Lord of the Rings crew left. Two teens in South Carolina have been charged with, I’m not kidding, “illegal possession of a doe” and other charges for hanging their apparently poached deer from a tree at their school. Did they get the idea from the kids in Jena? More at 12:00. The Wisconsin State Journal reports that it is safe to put dead deer in landfills. The DNR releases its annual deer forecast: It is expected to be cloudy with a 40% chance of deer. In Germany, you can sign up for a trip to watch deer fuck. An Idaho same-sex couple is being harassed by someone putting deer heads on their porch, and the police aren’t doing a thing. And, finally, my favorite deer-related headline of the week comes from a LaCrosse television station: “Local Deer Population Exploding.” And that brings us to our news for manatees.
Today a manatee exploded…