A petition at the White House site:

We petition the Obama Administration to:
Investigate the violations of Massachusetts voting laws conducted by Bill Clinton on March 1, 2016.

We the undersigned ask the President of the United States to exercise his authority to investigate the egregious violations of Massachusetts election law that Bill Clinton carried out during the recent Democratic primary in Massachusetts. These include but are not limited to:

Entering a polling place for no legal purpose as defined by the statutes.

Electioneering within the 150 foot restricted zone outside a polling place.

Inhibiting voters ability to enter their polling place due to his presence requiring Secret Service personnel to shut off access.

We encourage you to use the power vested in your office to direct that an investigation take place forthwith to determine whether these violations are prosecutable offenses.

Published Date: Mar 02, 2016

Issues: Civil Rights and Liberties
Signatures needed by April 01, 2016 to reach goal of 100,000 85,949
Total signatures on this petition 14,051

[emphasis added]

Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it the job of local law enforcement to deal with alleged violations of local election law?

Interestingly, after a very cursory look, it appears that a majority of the signatures don’t come from Massachusetts.

Over 14,000 people signed this? Freakin’ amateurs, wasting their time on useless gestures instead of volunteering to work at a phone bank or go door to door for their chosen candidate. No wonder they lose.

At the White House petition site:

We petition the Obama Administration to:
Have Obama re-enact the scene from the Incredibles where Frozone is looking for his supersuit.

We all like the Incredibles. I’m sure the President does too. The world would be complete by having Barack and Michelle re-enact this famous scene.

Published Date: Dec 06, 2015
Issues: Arts and Humanities, Education, Urban Policy
Signatures needed by January 05, 2016 to reach goal of 100,000 97,010
Total signatures on this petition 2,990

[emphasis added]

Then it could work.

The land of the free and the home of the brave.

At the White House petition site:

We petition the Obama Administration to:
Immediately cease relocating Syrian “Refugees” to the United States due to terrorist and ISIS ability to infiltrate U.S.

This petition is requesting that our President place the security and lives of our citizens first by immediately ceasing all operations to relocate Syrians to the United States. The relocation efforts offer a channel for ISIS or like minded groups or extremists to enter our country in bulk posing a sever threat to public safety. It is not in the best interest of our Country to allow the relocation efforts to continue. Given recent terrorist attacks in France and the threats by ISIS to other major cities world wide and here in the U.S closing our borders to the “Refugees” is the only responsible action.

Published Date: Nov 14, 2015
Issues: Defense, Foreign Policy, Homeland Security and Disaster Relief

Signatures needed by December 14, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000 93,866
Total signatures on this petition 6,134

[emphasis added]

You’d think someone would have checked for typos.

And:

We petition the Obama Administration to:
Place a Moratorium on all Refugee Resettlement from the Middle East in the Wake of the Paris Terror Attacks.

In the wake of the Jihad terror attacks in Paris of 13 November, we demand that an indefinite moratorium be placed on all refugee resettlement from Middle Eastern nations.

It has recently come to light that one of the Paris Jihad attackers possessed a Syrian passport and passed through Greece in October 2015. According to Nikos Toscas, Greece’s deputy minister in charge of police, “The holder of the passport passed through the island of Leros on Oct. 3, 2015, where he was identified according to EU rules.”

Seeing how this attacker easily exploited Europe’s refugee policies, we can only assume that others will exploit our generous, and porous, system in order to commit acts of terrorism on our sacred American soil.

Mr. President, WE demand an indefinite moratorium. Protect America!

Published Date: Nov 14, 2015
Issues: Criminal Justice and Law Enforcement, Homeland Security and Disaster Relief, Immigration

Signatures needed by December 14, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000 88,550
Total signatures on this petition 11,450

[emphasis added]

Am I the only one who remembers “freedom fries”?

Previously:

Hey, Chris Koster, are you really listening? (November 18, 2015)

Rep. Vicky Hartzler (r): Quick, jump on that bandwagon of fear before it pulls away! (November 19, 2015)

There have been a series of petitions started on the subject of guns at the White House site:

We petition the Obama Administration to:
Ban the 2nd Amendment for Muslims Petition
We, the people, appeal to the United States Congress to ban any access to firearms for Muslims within the United States of America in the national security interests. We are deeply concerned about the sharp increasing of radical Islam danger and increased sightings of violent acts made by Muslims against people of other religious confessions in the United States. As we remember, that Muslim Muhammad Youssef Abdulazeez attacked marine base in Chattanooga and killed 4 marines, as Chris Harper-Mercer killed 10 and injures 7 in Umpqua College in Rosenberg (Oregon), we appeal to the Unites States Congress to ban any rights given by the 2nd Amendment for Muslims to avoid any slaughters in the future.
Published Date: Oct 02, 2015
Issues: Criminal Justice and Law Enforcement, Firearms, Government Reform
Signatures needed by November 01, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000 97,210
Total signatures on this petition 2,790

[emphasis added]

Wait, I thought constitutional amendments were supposed to be absolutes. So much for the 14th Amendment, eh?

A call for substantive action:

We petition the Obama Administration to:
Use executive authority to reinstate the Federal Assault Weapons Ban of 1994 (expired 2004).
Reinstate the Federal Assault Weapons Ban (expired 2004).
The Federal Assault Weapons Ban, also known as the Public Safety and Recreational Firearms Use Protection Act, was a United States federal law that included a prohibition on the manufacture for civilian use of certain semi-automatic firearms it defined as “assault weapons,” as well as certain ammunition magazines it defined as “large capacity.”
The ten-year ban was passed by the U.S. Congress on September 13, 1994 and it expired on September 13, 2004.
Efforts to pass a new federal assault weapons ban were made in December 2012 after the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. On April 17, 2013, The ban failed a Senate vote of 40 to 60.
Published Date: Oct 02, 2015
Issues: Firearms
Signatures needed by November 01, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000 97,473
Total signatures on this petition 2,527

[emphasis added]

Evidently no one asked the gun manufacturer’s front organization NRA.

This one is direct:

We petition the Obama Administration to:
Declare the NRA a Domestic Terror Organization
The NRA backs unlimited use of guns thereby encouraging people to use them without limitations.
Acts of terror have been committed by individuals because of this.
The NRA, by their actions, have become a Domestic Terror Organization and should be declared as such.
Published Date: Oct 03, 2015
Issues: Firearms
Signatures needed by November 02, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000
99,778 Total signatures on this petition 222

[emphasis added]

Again, evidently no one asked the gun manufacturer’s front organization NRA. Maybe it’s aspirational.

This one assumes that the gun manufacturer’s front organization NRA is open to addressing anything other than “more guns!”:

We petition the Obama Administration to:
Address gun violence using a public health approach.
We are asking President Obama to request legislation to implement a public health approach to the problem of gun violence. This could include such steps as:
1. Funding for research into causes and possible remedies for gun violence.
2. Improving the effectiveness of the background check system and making it universal.
3. Tighter regulation of gun dealers.
4. Safe storage requirements in homes.
5. A ten-year prohibition on possessing guns for anyone convicted of domestic violence, assault, or similar offenses
6. Investment in “smart gun” technology.
7. Requiring liability insurance for guns.
8. Other actions supported by research.
While we recognize that we cannot eliminate guns in America, we believe that with research and thoughtful regulation we can live more safely with them.
Published Date: Oct 03, 2015
Issues: Criminal Justice and Law Enforcement, Firearms
Signatures needed by November 02, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000 99,658
Total signatures on this petition 342

Uh, Congress, at the behest of the gun manufacturer’s front organization NRA, has made this impossible.

In three, two, one…

We petition the Obama Administration to:
Ban Gun Free Zones Petition
We, the people, appeal to the United States Congress to allow the weapons-bearing in schools, hospitals and other public places, to let the American citizens prevent by themselves such tragic events as happened in Umpqua College in Rosenberg (Oregon). Chris Harper-Mercer killed 10 and injures 7. Crimes statistics data shows us that mass shootings appears mostly in “GUN FREE ZONES”. So, we insist on eliminate all so-called “GUN FREE ZONES” on the territory of the United States and let American people to protect their lives with weapons. As the 2nd Amendment stated that “the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed”.
Published Date: Oct 02, 2015
Issues: Defense, Firearms, Government Reform
Signatures needed by November 01, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000 98,674
Total signatures on this petition 1,326

Uh, you left out a phrase. Something about “well regulated” something, right?

This kind of accountability and responsibility won’t go over well with the gun manufacturer’s front organization NRA:

We petition the Obama Administration to:
The Firearm Insurance Requirement Act
Require that all individuals purchasing a firearm show proof of liability insurance (as we do for automobile drivers) and support the private insurance industry in creating a system to analyze the potential liability of a given firearm and individual and provide such insurance.
Published Date: Oct 02, 2015
Issues: Firearms
Learn about Petition Thresholds
Signatures needed by November 01, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000
99,850 Total signatures on this petition 150

The insurance industry might like it.

The debate about guns in American society was settled when we, collectively as a nation, did nothing but wring our hands after twenty children and six adults died in an elementary school in Connecticut in 2012.

Ephemera 2009 (7)

There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

A White House petition:

We petition the Obama Administration to:

place Ayn Rand on the ten dollar bill.

Ayn Rand is the perfect candidate for the woman on the ten dollar bill.

1. An immigrant who fled oppression

2. Success story in literature, philosophy, and Hollywood- a true rags to riches story. She embodies the American dream

3. Authored the most read book by an American author

4. Has influenced more people than any other woman in American history male or female.

If she isn’t in the running to be on the ten then no other woman should be on that list.

Published Date: Jun 19, 2015

Issues: Economy, Government Reform, Women’s Issues

Signatures needed by July 19, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000 98,754

Total signatures on this petition 1,246

[emphasis added]

Well, now we know that approximately 1,246 bookish fourteen year olds paid for admission to a movie theater just to watch food-court baked potatoes on the big screen.

Visualize an elementary school classroom teacher assigning a project in civics to their students to create a petition at the White House site for any relevant subject that interests them. Then picture the presentation of the petition assignment in crayon.

At the White House petition site:

We petition the Obama Administration to:

Keep Andrew Jackson on the American $20 Dollar Bill.

Recently, a Group had voted to change our nations $20 Dollar Bill image to a Woman. The vote is favoring Harriet Tubman for the Place of Andrew Jackson. Our nations Currency should not be changed to make a statement for Civil rights. We need to Keep our Nations Currency just as it is.

Published Date: May 14, 2015

Issues: Arts and Humanities, Civil Rights and Liberties

Signatures needed by June 13, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000 98,866

Total signatures on this petition 1,134

[emphasis added]

Because our currency never changes?

Over one thousand people signed this. We’re doomed.

At the White House petition site:

We petition the Obama Administration to:

proclaim May 4th national Star Wars Day

The pop culture phenomenon that is Star Wars deserves to be recognized as a national holiday annually on May 4th – “May the Fourth be with you.” The Star Wars franchise, with fans numbering in the millions, has had a significant impact on modern popular culture in many ways. The franchise’s sights, sounds, and sayings are deeply engrained in American society. It changed the film industry in 1977 upon its initial film release and its popularity continues to grow daily with additional films, TV, books, and comics due to be released over the next 5+ years. Star Wars’s impact on our country reached political heights in the 1980s as part of the Ronald Reagan Administration’s Strategic Defense Initiative as its missile defense project was dubbed “Star Wars.”

Published Date: May 03, 2015

Issues: Arts and Humanities, Family, Small Business

Signatures needed by June 02, 2015 to reach goal of 100,000 99,753

Total signatures on this petition 247

[emphasis added]

Do you think they understand that the date thing is just a bad pun? Nah.