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Citizens of Joplin, please know that denying you disaster relief couldn’t be helped. Eric Cantor wouldn’t even give himself relief if it meant increasing the deficit.

One day after Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) stirred controversy by withholding funds for tornado relief, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) took the extraordinary step of declaring Rep. Cantor a disaster area.

Within hours of the declaration, FEMA officials were dispatched to assess the damage to Mr. Cantor’s status as a human being capable of empathy.

“I’ve seen a lot of hurricanes and tornados, but this is something new,” said FEMA spokesman Tracy Klugian.  “Rep. Cantor appears to have been caught up in a moral vacuum.”

While concerned FEMA officials looked on, the morally ravaged House Majority Leader took to the floor of the House to make the case for denying funds to repair himself.

Okay, sure, this is from the Borowitz Report, and I didn’t tell you that in advance. Just thought you might appreciate exercising your satire sensor. How long did it take before you knew?