This version of The Twelve Days of Christmas originated in a bar a block away from the trauma center I was working in over twenty years ago on another Christmas Eve that had totally kicked our asses, but while we were having the exact same day our patients were, our lives weren’t altered by the events and we got to get drunk afterward and go home to families who loved us and would make us promptly forget all about the third watch we had just endured.

On the twelfth day of Christmas EMS brought to me…

Twelve alcohol poisonings

Eleven migrain headaches

Ten hypochondriacs

Nine fat guys with chest pain

Eight narcotics seekers

Seven battered spouses

Six bruised bar brawlers

Five O-ver-doses

Four psychotic meltdowns

Three GSWs

Two G.I. Bleeds

…and a Drunk who drove into a tree!