Ames, Iowa

Exclusive to HJHOP

This year’s batch of presidential candidates have discarded Iowa like a used kleenex.

Sources close to Iowa report that the state offered to make the candidates breakfast, but that the candidates were already heading out of the door.

“Caucus night was wonderful, ” Iowa said during a press conference. “I… I felt so loved. But then, after the thrilling consummation of weeks of flirting, they suddenly rolled over and went to sleep.”

“They used me for my caucus. I feel so dirty.”

When asked if Iowa had any advice for New Hampshire, who seems to be the most recent object of the candidates’ fleeting attentions, Iowa warned, “Be careful. When you are so eager to be the candidates’ first or second caucus, I think that you can come across all slutty. They’ll promise you the world, but they’ll just break your heart.”

HJ

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