This comes from my web site Happy Jihad’s House of Pancakes.
According to ABCNews, there is a new stupid diet sweeping the stupid land, and it threatens to turn fundamental Christians into vegan hippies.
Before I get into this, people, I want to make perfectly clear what you already know:
Diets. Don’t. Work.
No matter how many miracles you are promised by the magazines in the checkout line at Sam’s Club, where you have just bought enough Cheez-Its to feed Zimbabwe, diets by themselves just don’t work. Weight loss is really simple, at least in principle. It is a simple energy in, energy out equation. Work with a physician to make sure you are healthy enough to start working out and to monitor your progress (really, seeing your blood pressure drop appreciably is such a motivator!). Keep a detailed record of everything that you eat and the circumstances of your eating for a few weeks (while not on a diet) and bring that with you to a nutritionist. Ultimately, you will have to reduce your caloric intake and increase your exercise. That’s all you can hope to do. You also need to understand your body type, something that is never mentioned in the popular dialog on weight. The people who appear in magazines are born that way. It’s simply their body type. So, you should certainly not get discouraged or abandon your workout routine when you just can’t get cut like those people in the ads: you are genetically incapable of looking like them. If it makes you feel better, they are technically freaks of nature (ok, not entirely true, but in the spirit of a Vonnegut protagonist, I am happy to dispense comforting lies).
So, it doesn’t matter what type of diet you are on–unless you are burning a little more than you are consuming and stick with that plan for good, it’s not going to work.
So, what are those fatass Kentucky Fried Christians up to?
[The Rev. George Malkmus] Gospel minister who takes the Bible literally, said that — long before South Beach or Jenny Craig — God laid out his own diet plan in the book of Genesis.
Oh, Jesus Herbert Walker Christ.
Malkmus pounds the pulpit: “What did God tell man in Genesis 1:29? That your food shall be all of those plants that are in that garden. You will not find anything of animal origin in the garden diet. You will not find Twinkies either!”
“…Twinkie the Kid is a godless crossdressing sodomite!” (I surprised myself with that pop culture reference within a pop culture reference.)
The garden he refers to, of course, is the Garden of Eden. Indeed, the Hallelujah Diet answers the question: “What would Adam and Eve eat?”
Well, the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Duh. And I seem to remember that their unhealthy eating habits got them into all sorts of trouble…
The next little section, however, is where Malkmus goes from your run-of-the-mill fundamentalist weirdo to predator without a conscience:
Malkmus said he has never wavered from the strict vegan diet since he took it up at age 42 after being told he had colon cancer: “Within a year, my baseball size tumor had totally disappeared as had all of the other physical problems I was experiencing.” Malkmus acknowledges that he never had a biopsy, but insists, “I had a tumor that was self-evident. I was bleeding from the rectum.”
(I refuse to mention Ted Haggart here…Oh, damn it!)
At his seminar, Malkmus is clearly preaching to the choir. Some of his disciples credit the Hallelujah Diet with clearing up a host of health problems, including acid reflux, arthritis, body odor, diabetes, irritable bowel syndrome and cancer.
Such anecdotal claims are difficult to verify, of course, and Malkmus himself is careful not to promise miracles. “I don’t believe the Hallelujah Diet can cure anybody of anything.”
I bet you don’t, dirtbag. And ABC, if they wanted to display anything like scientific literacy and serve their readership, would make it for damn certain that anecdotal evidence is NOT scientific evidence–fuck, they are only evidence of anecdotes. ABC should have done the responsible thing and expose this guy for the snake-oil selling weasel he is. (Hey! Unexpected Serpent in the garden reference. Way to go, Me!) Desperate people with cancer should simply NOT expect their cancer to clear up because they change their diet.
Well, at least this wretched measle isn’t profiting personally from the…Oh, damnit:
This moist and tasty pile o’ crap will set you back $15 dollars that you could more profitably spend on…almost anything, really. Like lint rollers or something.
This diet is an unholy union, really. You wanna make a quick assload of cash? 1) Learn how to write. 2) Remove “assload” from your vocabulary. 3) Take two unrelated and stupid fucking things that people already spend money on and write a self-help book about it. For instance “Try Happy Jihad’s House of Pancakes’ Miracle Feng Shui Diet. You can eat whatever you want–as much as you want!–as long as the place where you are eating has good qi! In this groundbreaking new diet revolution, Bing McGhandi will show you how to find healthful eating zones using the ancient Chinese science of feng shui. And it works! Just ask the billion or so starving rural Chinese. A billion people can’t be wrong! Act now and we’ll throw in, at no unreasonable charge, my roommate Animala’s must-have updated and revised Qi Cuisine: Arranging Your Plate To A Healthier You.”
Man, I’m in the wrong business.
UPDATE: When the article reports that this Malkmus fellow “takes the Bible literally,” do you think they mean that he is stealing bibles? If not, then he is literally figuratively “taking the Bible literally.” Funk dat.